color viii

when it comes to serving or organizing events, i like to do what we typically call the “behind the scenes” stuff. i’m not the leader type. i don’t have the charisma to attract people to stir/get them to do something. however, i tell myself that i’m a good supporter. so whoever is in charge of something, i like to support that person, especially in the overlooked areas or unforeseen areas. i think i enjoy finding things that they haven’t thought of.

anyway. a part of the reason why i think i like serving behind the scenes is that i’m not good at receiving spotlights or credits for recognition. i don’t suck at it but i definitely don’t feel comfortable at receiving recognitions multiple times.

yesterday, i had a thought though. or was it the night before? anyway. i was thinking..

what if the reason why i say i enjoy serving behind the scenes is because i’m just a wimp? and that’s perhaps why i do things that go unnoticed or don’t receive spotlight. would there be more potential for me to find areas to serve or organize events if i came out of my closet and learn to be okay at receiving recognition? who would i be and what would i be doing?

 

fb & my camera

a camera i'd like to have someday =)

so recently, my camera broke.  i’ve had it since the beginning of my second year in college (2004).  it became a necessity as i studied architecture then, and that major required us to take pictures as a form of documentation.

not only did my camera live for five years, but it also survived through germany trip in 2007.  toward the end of my stay in germany, i gave my camera to my classmate to hold on to it for the night.  so the next day when i got it, couple parts were falling apart.  i was quite upset honestly.  because i had a good cushiony case for it, there was no way for my camera to become like that unless it was dropped on the ground when it was not in the case, or it was dropped inside the case and got ran over by a car.

anyway.  it finally died a month ago.  i saw it coming so it was okay when it finally died.  my friend-slash-coworker asked me on my  facebook wall, how it died and how it wasn’t working.  when i replied to that wallpost that it wouldn’t turn on, couple of my friends replied to that thread by saying that it’s probably the batteries.

i have one thing to say to those two:

you guys.. i’m not that retarded.

pshhh =/

 

love’s at its best when it reciprocates

yesterday was a day with a few tiny heartaches.  i’ll share two of them.

on my way to lunch after the sunday service, i texted my little sister if she would be coming home sometime that day.  because she left the place messy yesterday, she said she would come by to clean up.  i also left the house for church with a bigger mess, so i hoped that i would get there first to clean up before she gets there and see her for a bit.  however, she texted me back if i was expecting to see her because otherwise she planned on leaving right away. so i texted back and told her that it would be nice to see her when i get home.

when i got home, i noticed that her car wasn’t there.  i had a feeling, even before i got to the front door, that she had come home and left already.  i was right.  she cleaned up all her mess and was gone already.  heading to the bed, as i was noticing all the spots where her stuff was this morning, i felt kind of hurt.  i suppose somewhere inside of me wanted to see her, although i wouldn’t say upfront that i wanted to see her.  knowing the fact that she’s been somewhat avoiding me, i still felt hurt.   

i thought to myself, why wouldn’t she want to stay a little longer to see me?  why wouldn’t she want to spend time with me?

but then i realized, this must be what God feels whenever we distance ourselves from God.  we say that God’s always there for us, always constant and always loving.  it is us who distance ourselves from God and fall away.  i pictured God saying, “why do these people fall away from me when I love them so much?  why won’t they love me back when my love is always given and always extended?” 

there was no way for me to even grasp the depth of the pain God would feel.  my hurt came from one person.  i tried to imagine how hurtful it would be by multiplying my pain, but there was only so much i was able to stretch.  if so many people rejected God’s love or strayed away from God’s love, how much in pain would He be?

i felt really sorry.

 

[i'm sure this goes the same for all the parents when their children don't return their love or even recognize their love..]

 

fall weather

random note #1: yesterday, the rain had just stopped when i got to my apartment.  the first sniff of the air reminded me of the time when i used to live with my grandma for couple years in the countryside of korea.  that smell of washed out, cleanliness that shouts, goodbye humidity!! i think that’s what i like about the rain right before fall arrives: the fact that it doesn’t leave you with extra humidity, but leaves the air cooler and dry.

random note #2:  i had the best car-nap today.  i parked my car far away from the building, under a big tree, with my windows and sunroof opened a little..  i twitched once as i was falling asleep and woke myself a little, but i think i fell asleep pretty deep because when i woke up, i didn’t even realize that there were mowers nearby with their machine noise.  the breeze was awwwesome =D

ramdom note #3: i see the sun and the blue sky.  yay~

 

accomplishments for the day

-spending a productive morning
-taking an early lunch break to send a package and grocery shop
-going to a UPS store for the first time
-saving $9 on my $30 grocery (24%!!!! although i’ve done better in the past)
-getting a yes from the bf that we’re gonna go horseback riding before 2010 comes
-surviving two 1.5-hr long meetings – one when i just got to work and the other right before i got off of work (sheesh)
-spending $0 on dinner by fixing my dinner at work AND actually walking out of the office saying goodbye to my boss and my coworker with my ceramic plate (but covered with a paper towel) in my hands.. i became the weirdest girl in corporate america o_O but i was pretty happy to drive home with my appetizer (half of pb&j sandwich with organic crunch pb and orange marmalade), meal (2″ thick sandwich – ham, cheese, pickle, lettuce, tomato, mayo and mustard with mustard seeds on toasted 15-grain bread) and dessert (blueberries).
-driving home in 20 minutes from sandy springs to clarkston with my right hand on my sandwich, with no traffic, no feeling of rush but with cool air coming in from outside.

now.. time to enjoy my meal and.. enslave my brain for the night. hmmm i can’t wait til the weekend comes!!